Citizen 36 Ronan

~ 0ttermeal

At times, Ronan found it hard to sleep. Not just because of his tossing and turning, his inability to get comfortable as he lay there in the dark, huddled in his blankets beside Elatreus’ warm body. While his restlessness played a big part, the most troublesome factor was his mind. How it ran with whatever stray thoughts wormed their way into his focus, how he couldn’t stop stressing about so many things, whether insignificant or not. He stressed about what he was going to do tomorrow, stressed about if Ela was happy beside him. Surely he was, for he still stayed. He stayed through the troublesome times, stayed close and gentle despite everything in the world that may stand against them. Ronan was so grateful for him, and he certainly helped quell his worries.

But not every persistent thought could be washed away by someone’s presence. Ronan stared up at the ceiling of their bedroom, vision blurry with sleep, but it still was yet to come. His mind was not on his side, tonight. His memories were vibrant and loud, shaking him to his core and leaving a sickening feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t just lay here any longer. Couldn’t lay here, stare at nothing and allow tears to fall.

Quietly, he pushed himself up out of bed, slowly as to not disturb his partner. He turned his head to gaze back at Elatreus, watching as the larger rexal’s side rose and fell with every breath. Deep in sleep, comfortable and safe in the home they now shared. It was enough to make Ronan smile despite his worries, and he silently left their bedroom.

Making his way through the small cottage, he reached the front door and pushed it open slowly, feeling cool air blow against his face. It was the middle of night, dark and cold in the valley they called home. Crickets chirped from within the trees and undergrowth that sheltered their cottage, the fields that Elatreus worked in lying beneath the hill the cottage stood upon. Distant animal sounds could be heard from all around; owls hooting, coyotes yapping, elk bugling, the wind carrying all of the noise. Despite it being night time, the wilderness was still very much alive and active. Just as Ronan’s rampant mind was.

He sat down on the steps of their porch, pulling his legs up and hugging them close. He wished he could simply forget his past, move on with a clear mind, but that couldn’t happen. The universe wanted him to remember, and at this point, Ronan figured it was for the best, despite how painful it was. By remembering and suffering his guilt, he could stay cautious and wary of his actions, of who he wanted to be, who he used to be. He could make better choices, and know right from wrong. Though, he was disappointed in himself that it took making those mistakes to even know right from wrong in the first place. Surely, others never had to go through such things to know if something was right or wrong, especially when the answer was obvious. But to Ronan, the answers hadn’t been. They had been muddled and drowned out with praise. Everything Ronan had believed was influenced by those he cared about. Those he thought cared about him.

Years after it all, he could still remember. While his early childhood had been confusing and lost to time, Ronan could still remember the first time he ever saw his face. He had flashed a warm smile towards him, and everything in Ronan had screamed at him to stick around. To cling onto the one person he thought really saw him and appreciated him. No one else in the rugged old fishing village had ever looked at him like that. While there were older rexes who pitied him, took him under their wing and helped him find scraps to eat, no one had looked at him as his equal, not like this stranger had.

The village had not been very kind to newcomers, or even its own residents. Ronan had traveled there with his mother, but she was so busy with work and taking care of the younger rexals in the village that she was hardly ever there for him. Ronan was only a teen at the time, almost a young adult, when he started straying further from his and his mother’s little cottage. Walking through the streets of the village, the smell of fish heavy in the air, he stuck to the sides of the passageways. Many older, gruff-looking rexals gave him unfriendly glances as he tried to pass through without bothering anyone. He never had a true destination in mind, only planned to explore the village he was stuck living in. He didn’t dare leave his mother, didn’t dare try to set out on his own. The world outside of the Elders’ Dome was not safe, especially for a lone rexal. Ronan had never been to the Dome, but had heard stories.

As he settled on the beach, gray sand stuck to his claws and broken shells poking at his skin, he had caught sight of him for the first time. Confused and somewhat scared because, well, no one had ever looked at him for so long with such an intrigued expression, he quickly averted his gaze and stared out across the gray water. Despite turning his head, Ronan could feel the stranger watching him from where he sat on a large barrel next to a group of rexals Ronan’s age. Unease prickled at Ronan’s skin, and he dared glance towards them once more, catching their eye again. This time, the stranger gave him that special smile. The smile that would change the current course of his life.

It had been easy to fall into their group, as they were all so cool and knew everything about everything, at least that’s how it had seemed at the time. The group consisted of several rexals Ronan’s age and some older, but the eldest was the one who had given him that smile. The one who led them, held them together and protected them. The longer Ronan stayed around them, the more he felt like he belonged. He had never felt that way before. He had never felt such joy when the eldest rexal took his hand and promised him things. Such wonderful, amazing things. A world that would belong to the both of them, one that they could share, together, hand in hand.

Ronan had never had a proper grasp on morals, had never really been taught right from wrong. Growing up in rugged villages where the motto was “every man for himself”, he witnessed many things. Gruesome, cruel things. Rexals treating each other poorly, rexals dying of injuries inflicted by the dangers of the world, even other rexals. His mother had tried to encourage him to follow his heart, to do what he thought was best, and to be kind, but the words never stuck when she simply wasn’t around. Her new job taking care of the rowdy, bustling youngsters of the village kept her preoccupied, and basically nonexistent in Ronan’s life. So, when his new friends sought to teach him their ways, he could only smile and nod enthusiastically. He could only believe that everything they said was right and just. When they talked about getting their way, stealing from younger and older rexals who couldn’t defend themselves, Ronan was eager to participate. He was eager to follow in their footsteps, and all he heard was praise as they showered him in affection, told him how good he was at stealing because of his smaller stature. The more months that passed, he became more like them. Apart of their “family”, they called it. And when the robbing and stealing developed into assault and even murder, Ronan supressed the fear and guilt that bubbled up inside of him as he watched his partner, their captain, tear the life out of those who defied them. Those who defied him.

It wasn’t long before they found a ship of their own, and set sail for greater sights. Ronan had been eager to leave the small, pathetic village behind. Leaving his mother made a pit of worry form in his stomach, though. Watching as the village grew ever distant as they sailed away from the docks, he never got to say goodbye. But his captain took him in his arms and twirled him around, and their crewmates began to laugh and shout joyously at the top of their lungs. Whenever Ronan doubted, there they were to comfort him. To distract him.

Recalling these memories caused tears to trickle down Ronan’s face, and he wiped them away. How stupid he had been to allow those rexals into his life. How stupid he had been, to follow their orders and help them take the lives of people who got in their way, to help them steal and trick those who weren’t apart of their “family”. Surely, if someone else witnessed what they did, they would leave, not stick around and continue to support them like Ronan had. They would tell them what they were doing was wrong, and leave the first chance they got. Instead, Ronan had stayed. Stayed for years until every wrongdoing, every ounce of blood shed, had become too much. The blood drowned out the love he felt from his captain, his partner. The cries of those unfortunate enough to cross paths with them drowned out the praise from his crewmates.

Ronan had tried to tell their captain about his concerns, but only tried three times. The first, he was laughed at and easily persuaded to let it go, told that their family was above everyone else, and that they dare not feel sympathy for those beneath them. The second, Ronan was more adamant on standing up against him, but was quickly shot down and told to forget about it. The third, and the last, Ronan had looked him in the eyes and told him he was evil. Disgusting, cruel. And his captain had looked back at him, smirked, and said, “and you have helped me accomplish everything, Ronan. You’re just as cruel as I.”

Those words had further changed the course of his life and drove him to abandon everything he had known. Everything that had been drilled into his head about how to treat others, how to view the world. He and the crew, they were no better than anyone else, they didn’t deserve anything good. They didn’t deserve to stand above the world and command those beneath them like they hoped to. Everything they had done, everything Ronan helped them do, all came crashing down on him. He could only blame himself for letting them take control of his life. A life he thought he hadn’t had, living in that sad little village with no purpose. His captain had shown him what he thought was actual life, sailing away on that ship and facing the world together. In reality, it hadn’t been a good way to live. It was the way of cruelty. And Ronan could no longer bear it.

Betraying them amidst one of their grandest, most ambitious hiests, Ronan fled in silence after tearing planks off the stern of the ship. Causing enough damage to flood the chambers and sink their goods, everything they had accumulated over the years. Ronan hadn’t hoped to make up for everything bad he had done, because he believed nothing would ever be enough. He only hoped to slow his crew’s progress, weaken their status on the seas and set them back. It was what they deserved, even if they deserved worse still. He remembered the last look he had been given from his captain as he swam away, surfacing to stare at the wreckage of their slowly sinking ship, and the horrified faces of his crewmates. His captain had looked around and settled his gaze on Ronan’s shape in the water, already a fair distance away from the scene. And in that moment, Ronan had never seen such rage. It was a look that horrified him and saddened him all the same. Hurting someone he loved and cared about like this, how could he do such a thing? But as he swallowed and dove back under and swam for no true destination, he pushed aside his pain, the fear of leaving everything he knew behind. They deserved to lose everything, just as Ronan had when he made that fateful decision.

He wiped more tears from his eyes, focusing on the sound of crickets around the cottage. He gazed upward at the sky, the moon half hidden behind the slowly drifting clouds. While he may not be able to sleep, he tried to focus on his breathing. Focus on the fact that now, years later, he was living a much better life. A life that was happier, safer. A life where he could grow and thrive, and no longer take from others. He could instead give, to help his neighbors, to visit Atlas and pay for wares instead of steal. He would never, ever assist someone in taking another’s life, ever again. Despite the memories, despite the pain and grief he still felt from leaving his previous life behind, he was happy he had. He was happy to be free, to leave the horrible people he thought cared about him. Instead, they had only cared about what he could do for them. He had been useless to them if unable to satisfy their needs or help with their plans.

Ronan turned his head back towards the cottage, steadying his breaths as he sniffled. Now, thinking about Ela’s sleeping form in bed, their bed, he smiled. Ela meant so much to him, and he couldn’t mess this up. He wouldn’t mess this up. No matter what trouble came their way, they would get through it, together. Because Ela truly cared about him, not just what he could do for him. He made Ronan so happy, and he would never take him for granted. This home they shared, together, he would never take for granted.

Despite the mistakes of his past, Ronan looked forward to the future.

~ Ottermeal