Citizen 955 Thusir

With the sun retiring earlier and earlier every day and the nights dropping colder, most Rexals had been staying inside to avoid the weather. Storms were becoming more common, forcing some crews to stay in port. Thusir was wearing a bit thin with the amount of rugged patrons at his bar lately. If the world held on to summer a bit longer he wouldn't have to deal with this right now. But, of course, he had to.

It was a rare sight to see a customer come in with their child, though not unheard of. The establishment wasn't just for having a drink, after all. So when a face he hadn't seen before inched up to his counter with a child in tow who couldn't of been more than two years old, Thusir couldn't help but pick their story apart by their appearance. The parent looked exhausted and dirty, clothes tattered and dull. The child was better off, however, but had very clearly been in the same mud puddles as the parent.

Thusir never asked questions. He knew it only gave opportunities for others to snitch. Minimal information between him and his workers or patrons was always his standard. But this time he couldn't help but want to ask what happened? He never did- giving them keys to one of the few upstairs rooms on an unmentioned discount. Before the parent could turn for the stairs the child cried, asking to be held. Thusir watched the parent take the child in their arms and give them a tight hug, soft blue fur merging with the shades of the parent's arms. They spoke something quietly to their kid as they picked their way through the crowded bar, and took something of Thusir's with them.

When Thusir lent the counter over to one of his employees to retire for the night, he had troubles falling asleep for the first time in decades. Going to bed in a room occupied by nobody other than himself hadn't bothered him for just as long. But tonight was a different story. Having seen the care that parent had for their child, so willing to comfort them after they'd clearly just went through so much… Something wasn't sitting right with Thusir. And it had nothing to do with them.

Once he was certain that he was capable of deep unconditional love like he'd seen from other Rexals going about their lives. It was a sort of fairytale to him- talked about so often but not something he ever witnessed so close. His father was capable of it, though not in the typical way one would assume. He gave Thusir everything he wanted except for physical affection. His father kept distance from everyone- he hated being touched so intensely that Thusir had assumed that was what all Rexals were like for the first few years of his life. 

He assumed Rexals never touched each other, never knew what a hug was or what a romantic partnership was until he was sent to school. It was a culture shock to him- having been raised the exact same way he was living now. In a bar in a port town in the Posian Islands. The more he observed and the more other kids in his classes had no respect for his boundaries, Thusir learned what it was like to be close to others. Not just in a mental way, as he and his father had a strong bond despite the physical distance. He made friends he could touch, hug, and play tag with. And when he would tell his father about his friends, his father would never talk about his aversion to touch.

A little later in his life, Thusir finally got his answers. His father was simply touch-adverse. And years of his own family forcing physical affection on him had forced him to put up strong walls that even Thusir wasn't capable of breaking- if he wanted to, that was. He never thought about stepping over his father's boundaries even when they argued. And yet, when his father was arrested and Thusir had never heard from him again, he couldn't help but wish he was able to hug him one last time. Feel the strong heartbeat of the old grizzled Rexal that raised him and left him with an empire. Thusir wanted nothing more than to see him one more time to just ask. Hope that maybe he would be allowed one exception to the rule.

After Thusir grew used to physical touch, he then learned of romance. He met a small astronomer named Roche who came to the islands to study stars. The idea intrigued him- studying the tiny dots in the sky that nobody could touch. And the Rexal himself quickly made his way into Thusir's daily life. He was incredibly smart, held strong Dome beliefs and morals, and was downright charming. Without anyone there to tell him it was a bad idea, Thusir grew smitten. 

Being so naive without proper guidance, Thusir failed to take proper precautions with Roche. He invited him into his home, he told him everything, he showed him what his life was like. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Roche. To hold his hand, lie next to each other, eventually start a family. But he had jumped in too far without thinking. His way of life terrified Roche. Dome morals were too sanitized for Thusir and the Rexals he surrounded himself with. He was left in the dark about Roche's opinions on it, being allowed to fall so deep in love that it hurt almost too much when Roche admitted it all. The astronomer tried changing him for months, only staying around to morph Thusir into someone he wasn't and could never be. He had been too afraid of Thusir for so long that he had fallen out of love.

Thusir's second wish in life was to start a family with Roche, but was quickly snuffed out when Thusir urgently threatened the Rexal he loved so much into silence. Roche knew firsthand what Thusir and his organization was capable of. The Rexals he associated with and paid off- what they were capable of. He never knew if Roche ever intended to tip off authorities, but it became apparent over the decades after he disappeared that he never spoke a word of it all.

Years after the sudden disappearance of Roche left Thusir with a feeling of avoidance that he'd never experienced before. He knew it was nothing like his father, as it initially felt like pain and desperation rather than a simple strong boundary. Thusir grew bitter the more public affection he saw- which wasn't much in the area he lived, but still happened occasionally. He hadn't met another Rexal that he welcomed into his life as readily as he had with Roche despite the attempts of some. While he focused on expanding upon the foundations his father left him, Thusir found a spiteful comfort in keeping his distance.

Comfort never lasted long, however, as a pirate captain in port brought him a newly orphaned child. Killian was a strong associate. A smart one, too. Though Thusir faked his iron fist for the first few years of reign, he properly learned how to lead from Killian. So when the pirate brought him a small bundle of dark pink fur, Thusir readily took charge of it while Killian went out on the waters. Initially he figured this kid was all he wanted- a little family just like him and his own father- he found that despite his many attempts and wishes to properly love him, Thusir couldn't bring his emotions back to the full capacity he once had.

The child, Harrow, became more of a cruel reminder to Thusir of what had been taken from him. The realization was slow, but surely hadn't gone unnoticed. When Harrow went missing for a whole night Thusir had torn the town upside down looking for him. And when he returned unharmed with a story of being chased into a cave with skeletons, Thusir wasn't mad. He realized for the first time that morning that he really did love Harrow as his own child, but had spent so long repressing his emotions that he was the problem, not his capacity for love.

Thusir, though no longer young, found a wish he was capable of achieving. All he wanted now was to show Harrow how proud he is and how much he loves him. Words from the forever-growling tone of his wasn't enough. He wanted Harrow to know and have lasting proof of it. He didn't want to foster any more distance he had already. He just wanted Harrow to succeed and never experience the pain he did. Harrow had been doing fantastic research in his own projects, learning about the history and creatures of the island, sending his findings to appreciative scholars in the Dome. Thusir was proud of him. Maybe he couldn't feel it in his heart like others insisted their emotions came from, but that didn't make it any less real.

Giving up, Thusir stood from his bed and made his way down the hall to Harrow's study. Lamps were still on, the orange glow flickering underneath the door. When he opened the door he found his son sleeping on the soft chair at the desk, papers strewn everywhere. The window above him was open, letting a gentle freezing breeze make him shiver. Thusir didn't bother waking him up. He knew Harrow wouldn't go to bed and instead just continue writing. So he reached over to gently close the window, grabbing a blanket from the closet to carefully lay over him. Everything he thought he wanted as a child was nothing close to what he had now. But he couldn't say he regretted it. If every action Thusir took led him to this- having a moment of one-sided appreciation for his adopted son- he decided it was worth it. He wasn't the best parent a Rexal could ask for, but he did the best he could to ensure Harrow didn't get hurt. And he was pretty good at that. He just needed to learn the extra steps, and he was finally able to.

Thusir snuffed out the flames to the lamps in the room before leaving. As much as he thought about wishes and what things could have been, maybe he should instead focus on what was right in front of him

- ArowanaDealer

Artist: dracofyris